Sunday, 8 May 2016

Chapter 1 - In the Begninning

I can see the future.  Pretty impressive huh?  However, as responsibilities go I have to say that it's one of the biggies!  This ability obviously makes me a very powerful entity.  Which is why I coined the phrase 'with knowledge comes power, and with power comes great responsibility'. Because knowing the future gives me the ability to change it if I so choose.

Now, I'd just like to clear something up here before we even get started,  Knowing the future doesn't mean that I can time travel because time travel simply isn’t possible.  Time is linear which means that you can't go round popping up in different eras willy nilly!  Time is quite an abstract concept for you humans to understand but - as usual for your species - you nevertheless insist on trying to prove yourselves as superior by coming up with one ridiculous notion after another to prove you can influence the passage of time.  Well, let me save you some time - you can't!  Time happens outside of you, it happens outside of everyone, even me.  Let's say half of all the species on Earth suddenly died, well time would still exist for the remaining half because time goes on regardless.  And if all the species on Earth died then time would STILL exist.

So, how can I see the future if I can't time travel I hear you ask?  Well, in a word - empathy.  This should hardly come as a surprise to those of you who have a dog because you will already know that dogs are the most empathic creatures in existence.  They have the ability to pick up when you're sad or excited or worried or scared and will react accordingly and appropriately to each and every situation.  Let's face it, dogs are pretty cool!  Well, they're modelled after me so of course they are!  But as a superior being I have empathy on a level that is off the scale.  I can understand the feelings of a collective consciousness and I am able to use this information to predict with pinpoint accuracy what is going to happen in the future.  The best way I can explain this ability to you is to say that I am able to see visions of a future that will happen unless I make changes to alter the course of history that is as yet unwritten.

And that is why I am here now, in a comfortable house in Ireland, with a couple of very kind and pretty clever (for humans!) humans who cater to my every whim.  There are 5 other hounds here.  And 2 cats.  The cats are necessary, but I will come onto why a little later on.  The house is located in the middle of nowhere which makes it ideal for me to carry out my work undetected.  In fact, I have disappeared a few times when it was absolutely necessary, because changing history is not a 9 to 5 job you know!  But the humans think I wander because I am 'a forgetful old hound who gets confused' and this helps me remain undercover without any effort at all.  But I am getting ahead of myself as usual.  So where was I?  Ah yes, why I am here.

Put simply, I am here to change the future for all of mankind.  The future I have seen for you all still haunts me to this day but it can be changed.  However, if I do not remain vigilant in my endeavours it is a future that still could happen.  With devastating speed and consequences.  I can still hear the pitiful cries of the last few remaining humans as they writhe in agony under the burning canopy of the sun as it burns the scorched and blackened earth. There are no animals left.  There is no vegetation.  There is just the burning heat of the sun mixed with indescribable pain and fear as those who remain realise that they have brought this end upon themselves.  Through greed.  Through hatred.  Through arrogance and selfishness.

So hey, it's a good job you've got me to save the day really.  As I can not and will not let that happen.  I do not want to exist in a World that does not have green fields to romp through, cool streams to splash around in and gravy bones to eat!  So once I'd had this vision I knew I had to do something about it.  At the time I was enjoying being a St Bernard, living on the Alps, rescuing lost humans with my powerful sense of smell, incredible strength and size, amazing sense of direction and ridiculous barrel of brandy slung around my neck that is only ever really put there to delight the tourists. But the second I saw what the future had in store I knew that I had to take drastic action.  

Because of the nature of the vision I knew that I needed to change form.  I will always be a hound - as a superior being that is who I am - but being a Maverick Intelligent Roaming Traveller gives me the ability to be any breed of hound I choose.  I realised that I needed to become a hound that required a bit of input from humans as it was vital that I lived amongst humans who  willing to spend a bit of time on me as this would indicate that they were naturally kind and considerate.  So becoming a low maintenance hound was out of the question.  As was becoming a high maintenance hound as that would mean I would never get any time on my own to carry out my work and my cover could potentially be blown.  

So I opted to become a schnauzer.  I have never been a schnauzer before and I have to say I'm rather enjoying it!  These big eyebrows are fun and this bushy beard is pretty spectacular and really does enhance my sense of smell (which is kinda helpful when I'm hungry).  And the nose - adorable!  It seems to have special powers over the humans too which is very handy and something that, even as a superior being, I would never have foreseen!  But just being a schnauzer was still not enough to change the future. To ensure that I lived amongst humans who were compassionate I also needed to be slightly special.  So I became a schnauzer with special needs - I became an epileptic schnauzer.

The next part of the plan was deciding where I should be based in order to save the World.  I needed to be somewhere I could access technology as I needed to be able to communicate but it also had to be somewhere that was unassuming and discreet so that I could work undetected.  I needed access to other hounds who would help me in my work.  And I also needed access to cats.  

Changing the future is a big responsibility and it something that I do not take lightly.  I am omnipient, sure.  I am highly evolved and massively intelligent.  But these qualities do not give me the right to unilaterally decide how things should be.  My decisions must be considered and constructive, they must be balanced and fair.  And for this to happen it is essential that I have someone who will play devil's advocate to my decisions.  And - I probably don't even need to tell you this - there is no greater devil's advocate than a cat.  Cats are the ying to my yang.  They are the dark to my light.  They are the take to my give.  They are the necessary and vital balance that I need when I am carrying out my work.
So I needed a place that had this combination of factors.  And that is why I chose Ireland.

Copyright of JD Jones

Friday, 6 May 2016


I was formed long ages ago, at the very beginning, when the world came to be.  And yes, I know what most of you are thinking – you’re thinking, come on ‘Murt’, that’s cheating, you’re copying bits out of the King James bible and passing it off as your own material and that’s just not on.  But hey, let me tell you that this phrase is mine!  It’s an original, 100% bona fide ‘Murt’ quotation!  In fact, that James dude stole it from me, King or no King!  I was thinking about suing him at the time but to be fair his stories have been turned into the most printed book in the history of the World so I thought I’d let it go.  At least my quote is being read by billions of people out there now, so that’s not bad is it?

Anyway, I’m going off track a bit.  I do that I’m afraid.  It happens when you’ve been around for as long as I have, something to do with an immense backlog of memories knocking around in the old noggin.  It can clutter my mind up at times making it easy to meander off on a totally different train of thought than the one I had originally intended to travel on.

So where was I?  Ah yes – the introduction.  Of me.  To you.  And this is important so please pay attention!  My name is ‘Murt’ and my existence on this world as a superior being has been in perpetuity.  I was the first I think.  Of course, nowadays there’s quite a few superior beings, all milling around the ether getting on each other’s nerves, but as far as I can remember I was the first.  And by my definition that makes me the best!

As I’ve mentioned I’m known as ‘Murt’.  It should actually be MIRT, but the humans, being a species of limited intellect and rather staggering literal interpretation, didn’t write it down correctly.  Can you believe that?!  I am a 'Maverick Intellectual Roaming Traveller' and we’re known as 'MIRTs'.  I say “we’re known as” but truth be told we’re rather unique and there’s only 2 others like me that I know of.  However, when I first assumed corporeal form as a hound I was immediately picked up by a dog warden and dumped straight into a rescue for rehoming.  And even though I planted my name in the mind of the person who had been assigned to deal with me the stupid fool wrote it as ‘Murt’.

Still, I’ve become quite fond of it over time.  I tell the other supreme beings that yes, there might be a couple of other MIRTs but I’m the only ‘Murt’ in existence!  I also tell them that the U stands for unique.  Or if I feel like showing off I say it stands for ubiquitous to reflect my omnipient presence.  And when they’re getting on my nerves I tell them that it stand for utopian and that the humans named me with a U because they recognised in me the perfection that they are all striving to attain themselves.  That really gets to them, I can tell!  I know as supreme beings we’re supposed to rise above certain things but hey, when you live amongst humans as I do you can’t help picking up a few bad habits!

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I know what’s going through your head right about now.  You’re thinking ‘well, that’s all well and good ‘Murt’, but the acronym only works if you speak English.’  And you’d be right because yes, I do speak English.  I speak all languages if you must know, but as you, simple reader, are reading this in English what would be the point of me creating an acronym in another language?  No point whatsoever - I think I’ve argued my case sufficiently, so let us move on!

What you should have been thinking of course is ‘why a hound ‘Murt’?  When you assumed corporeal form why did you become a hound and not a human?’  And I will forgive you for thinking that because you are, after all, only human yourselves!  As a supreme being I find the foibles of other species fascinating and the human trait that you all assume that you are at the top of the evolutionary ladder would be quite endearing if it wasn’t so embarrassingly arrogant and tragically far from the truth!  I am a superior being!  I have the power to turn myself into anything.  You heard me - anything!  So why on earth would I want to turn myself into a mere human?  Throughout human history we have seen evidence of unspeakable behaviours.  Humans have the ability to be evil, selfish, greedy, self-serving and manipulative.  Sure, there are plenty of examples of humans who have done good but for each one of those I’ll show you an example of at least 2 who have done bad.

So no, I wouldn’t want to be a human for all the tea in China!  Dogs are superior to all living creatures on earth because dogs are modelled after me as the first being. There are a vast number of humans who ridiculously believe that they were made in the image of the superior being and that really does make me laugh!  Humans are capable of wanton destruction and despicable cruelty - does that sound like a superior being to you?  No, it does not! 

So, my friends, this is who I am.  And this is my story……

Copyright of JD Jones